It is sooooo easy to get down on yourself and, no, you don't have to be clinically manic-depressive or ADD to feel like things are getting away from you. Life is hard, man. Much harder today than it ever was, because the world is moving so fast and technology is forcing us into obsolescence. If you don't upgrade to a new computer every two years, change cell phones annually, frequently buy a new car (because repairing your old one has become SO expensive and because the government is forcing you to do so with talk that older cars will be, by law, mandated off the road), or buy the latest video recording equipment or an HD TV unit, if you haven't yet done so, you're made to feel like you are so screwed.
I mean, how do people survive with kids? I don't have any and even when I was bringing in a decent salary, it was hard to live on... and, trust me, my lifestyle isn't so extreme.
So, for those of us who wake up in the morning - that is, IF we even managed to beat insomnia and get any sleep at all the night before - feeling a little damaged or down, heck, it's a pretty big club we're part of. Surviving day-to-day until it's time to die can be pretty daunting.
In any case, all I can say is hang in there. For me, things are starting to look up a bit, as I get nibbles for freelance work, as I get publishers responding favourably about my horror fiction, as I have a few fewer headaches weekly than I have experienced this past year... likely a record for me in the head pain department. Things are getting better in general.
I have to admit that I am not at all the sort of person to consider suicide on a serious level. Even at my most down, when it seems nothing is going right and it never will, I enjoy life far too much to consider the many means available to me to end my life. Taking an EMS course and volunteering in the field for a while teaches you, simply by the nature of the work, how easily and quickly you could end your life if you were so inclined. Dr. Kavorkian has little to teach me. But why? Life is so amazing hour by hour, day by day, and I cannot imagine any one of you not experiencing some pleasure out of your days, whether it's as mundane as watching a favourite show, reading a book, getting a massage, taking a hot shower, caressing someone you love, lying back, closing your eyes and listening to Miles Davis's Kinda Blue as you realize, hey, I could be in Haiti right now... I am the luckiest person in the world!
There is a lot to live for... for most of us. Some people die way before their time, like my late friend Ellen... who would have given anything to live a little longer, I am sure... and some of us live like we are already dead. Didn't Bob Dylan write something like "Those who have stopped living have started dying"?
As long as I am healthy, or maybe not so healthy someday as I age, but not in terrible pain, I will find reasons to celebrate life. For instance, I really want to learn more about Buddhism this year, to become far more spiritual than I am today. Somehow, putting on "tefillin" as I meditate (look the word up if you don't know) every few weeks or so isn't enough. So, if anyone has advice for me with regard to Buddhism, feel free to share. Maybe we can greet Leonard Cohen at the top of a mountain together someday.
Whatever you do, however... keep your chin up. I don't know what's on the Other Side, but I certainly have time to get there and the spirits who are waiting to welcome me, including my parents, my aunt, my late friends Laine Coxford and Ellen Joy Cohen... well, they can wait a little while longer. I am not in a rush. I hope our Creator is reading, I really do.
Maybe he or she will turn up as a follower someday... ya think?
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I think he/she's already reading. And liking what he/she sees.
ReplyDeleteI've long believed that words inspire. Yours always have. It's good to see them - and you - here.
Thanks, Carmi. I really appreciate it. I often feel like no one is reading and that I am just crazy enough so that this fact alone is enough reason to keep doing it... LOL... know what I mean? Hey, you and I should work on something together someday. I need to hook up with good people so that I can be even better.
ReplyDeleteThis is the first time I have read your blog as prior to tonight (its 3 am so not sure if that is even considered night) I had no idea you had a blog. It made me think.....you speak of "as long as I have my health..." I think it is alientating the idea that as long as someone has their health they should be 'happy' or satisfied with life and not complain. The focus should be on mental health. This is apropos to the idea of Haiti. No one can deny that the recent events in Haiti are both shocking and terrible. Wwe can use their sadness and pain to realize that we don't have it so bad but it is ok to feel like crap some days and be dissapointed at the same time. The challenge remains overcoming these feelings.
ReplyDeleteI think Buddhism is a good idea to explore. I assume writing is already quite therapeutic. Also, rid yourself of toxic people in your life. as you said to Carmi, you need to hook up with good people. Your initial rant about technology is so true but thanks to today's advancements the opportunities are boundless. unfortunately it may be leading to human disconnect but never forget about human agency. you have the control to write your own script.
I also suggest that you do some volunteer work not ambulance related. Maybe some big brother/big sister program or an isolated elderly adult. There is so much need out there and it sounds like there is an internal need as well. I think we all have that internal need, none of us are truly independent. Appreciate the moments as you said and build relationships where you can see the moments as it is the moments that make life worth living!
Hi Bram. It has been a long time ... I enjoyed reading your blog and am glad you're coming across as someone with a real pulse on being human. Hope all's well and looking forward to catching up someday. Carlo
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